Why am I a magnet for weird?

I went to the grocery store this morning to pick up a few things. Upon arriving at my apartment building I was greeted by one of the other tenants. She is an elderly lady that I see from time to time. Often times she is waiting at the bus stop across the street. I have had a few encounters with her over the last two or so years. Those past encounters have typically left me feeling confused and sorry for her. On one occasion she was speaking nonsense sentences. Usually I have just tried to avoid the crazy. Up until this morning I thought she was maybe just lonely with a hint of mental instability. This morning she met me at the front door and asked if I could let her back in the building. I explained that I wasn't going to be home all day, but she could ring my buzzer and I would let her in if I was at home. She asked where I was going. This whole event caught me off guard and in a moment of panic I lied and said that I was going to the grocery store, the same store I had just returned from. Then she asked if she could have a ride to the store. Again, I was panicking and couldn't spit anything out but a meager "ok." When she got in my car she started speaking. She explained that the former mayor of Milwaukee, Norquist had barricaded himself in her apartment along with her sister. Then she babbled something about how it was because she didn't have any children and she went to church. It was pretty much total nonsense. We passed a McDonald's on the short drive and she asked if she could buy me something. I politely declined her offer. She also blurted out that this Norquist character was a "tough customer." When we got to the grocery store I dropped her at the front door. She asked if she could have a ride back and I said that I had things to do and that I was going to work. She didn't have a problem with that and exited my car without another word. The whole ordeal was very weird. She was very creepy. I would say that she is either on drugs or mentally ill.

As soon as I was out of the parking lot I called the manager of the apartment. He didn't answer so I left him a message explaining that if anyone came looking for this lady that he could tell them I brought her to the grocery store. I wasn't sure what else to do. Should I have done something else or should I just forget about it and feel good because I did a favor for an elderly lady?

Your Guide to Being Better Than Everyone Else #1.5: Use More Quotations pt. 2

The inaugural edition of Being Better Than Everyone Else appeared on an infinitely superior blog, Its Quiet Outside.

Here we'll explore a similar lesson. Using quotations marks in text and verbal "air quotes" will no doubt tell the world that you are better than them, but the lesson on using actual quotations will scream that fact right into the world's incompetent little ears. If you follow this simple lesson, you will no longer have to deal with people who only suspect that you think you are better than them.

Step 1: Memorize a vague yet important sounding quote from a literary giant, the more obscure the better.

Step 1 in action: "I claim to be a simple individual liable to err like any other fellow mortal. I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors and to retrace my steps." -Gandhi

The beauty of this quote is that it is by Gandhi and it is very versatile. If you walk around following this guide you are bound to run into a gaggle of people who will assume you are wrong, even if that is completely impossible. Running into one of these walking mental defects will present you with a perfect opportunity to use famous quotations liberally.

Step 2: Apply your vast intellect.

Step 2 in action:
Roommate- "Did you stick your dick in my peanut butter jar?"

You- "Why do you ask my good man?"

Roommate- "Well, because I can see the imprint of a dick in it and there are pubes stuck in the top. So, did you stick your dick in there or what?"

You- "As Gandhi said, 'I claim to be a simple individual liable to err like any other fellow mortal. I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors and to retrace my steps.'" Then you karate chop him in the ear.

Now you can see how useful this approach can be. Just memorize a few vague quotes by obscure authors or historical figures and watch how everyone around you will assume that you were a Rhodes scholar who spent a year at Oxford. You can instantly let everyone know how intelligent and important you are with just a few more words than yelling at poor people as you splash them with puddles while you speed by in your BMW.