Parents

I had a hard time falling asleep last night. I got to thinking existential thoughts and ended up feeling fairly insignificant in the context of the galaxy, universe and multiverse. Instead of focusing exclusively on those thoughts I tried thinking of some positive things and I decided that I am going to post some positive things along with my usual bitching and complaining here. So, sit back and enjoy volume 1 of "Positive Distractions."

Dad
One thing that came to mind last night was about my dad. I was hanging out by the barn as a child. I have no idea how old I was at the time, but I was definitely under 10. I don't even remember where I fell, but my knee landed on an old board with a rusty nail sticking out of it. The nail went into my knee. I don't remember a ton of the details, but I clearly remember my dad carrying me up the hill to my grandparents' house as I was crying. I have no recollection of if I ended up going to the emergency room or hospital. To this day, when the light strikes my knee just right I can still see the scar.

Mom
As a teenager I saw a dermatologist in a town 45 minutes away. My mom always drove me there and back. I'll always remember the conversations we would have on those drives. I enjoyed that time and those conversations with my mom. Looking back on it, it was rather impressive that we could still have meaningful conversations even through those adolescent years when in general kids don't want to have anything to do with parents.

Why am I a magnet for weird?

I went to the grocery store this morning to pick up a few things. Upon arriving at my apartment building I was greeted by one of the other tenants. She is an elderly lady that I see from time to time. Often times she is waiting at the bus stop across the street. I have had a few encounters with her over the last two or so years. Those past encounters have typically left me feeling confused and sorry for her. On one occasion she was speaking nonsense sentences. Usually I have just tried to avoid the crazy. Up until this morning I thought she was maybe just lonely with a hint of mental instability. This morning she met me at the front door and asked if I could let her back in the building. I explained that I wasn't going to be home all day, but she could ring my buzzer and I would let her in if I was at home. She asked where I was going. This whole event caught me off guard and in a moment of panic I lied and said that I was going to the grocery store, the same store I had just returned from. Then she asked if she could have a ride to the store. Again, I was panicking and couldn't spit anything out but a meager "ok." When she got in my car she started speaking. She explained that the former mayor of Milwaukee, Norquist had barricaded himself in her apartment along with her sister. Then she babbled something about how it was because she didn't have any children and she went to church. It was pretty much total nonsense. We passed a McDonald's on the short drive and she asked if she could buy me something. I politely declined her offer. She also blurted out that this Norquist character was a "tough customer." When we got to the grocery store I dropped her at the front door. She asked if she could have a ride back and I said that I had things to do and that I was going to work. She didn't have a problem with that and exited my car without another word. The whole ordeal was very weird. She was very creepy. I would say that she is either on drugs or mentally ill.

As soon as I was out of the parking lot I called the manager of the apartment. He didn't answer so I left him a message explaining that if anyone came looking for this lady that he could tell them I brought her to the grocery store. I wasn't sure what else to do. Should I have done something else or should I just forget about it and feel good because I did a favor for an elderly lady?

Your Guide to Being Better Than Everyone Else #1.5: Use More Quotations pt. 2

The inaugural edition of Being Better Than Everyone Else appeared on an infinitely superior blog, Its Quiet Outside.

Here we'll explore a similar lesson. Using quotations marks in text and verbal "air quotes" will no doubt tell the world that you are better than them, but the lesson on using actual quotations will scream that fact right into the world's incompetent little ears. If you follow this simple lesson, you will no longer have to deal with people who only suspect that you think you are better than them.

Step 1: Memorize a vague yet important sounding quote from a literary giant, the more obscure the better.

Step 1 in action: "I claim to be a simple individual liable to err like any other fellow mortal. I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors and to retrace my steps." -Gandhi

The beauty of this quote is that it is by Gandhi and it is very versatile. If you walk around following this guide you are bound to run into a gaggle of people who will assume you are wrong, even if that is completely impossible. Running into one of these walking mental defects will present you with a perfect opportunity to use famous quotations liberally.

Step 2: Apply your vast intellect.

Step 2 in action:
Roommate- "Did you stick your dick in my peanut butter jar?"

You- "Why do you ask my good man?"

Roommate- "Well, because I can see the imprint of a dick in it and there are pubes stuck in the top. So, did you stick your dick in there or what?"

You- "As Gandhi said, 'I claim to be a simple individual liable to err like any other fellow mortal. I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors and to retrace my steps.'" Then you karate chop him in the ear.

Now you can see how useful this approach can be. Just memorize a few vague quotes by obscure authors or historical figures and watch how everyone around you will assume that you were a Rhodes scholar who spent a year at Oxford. You can instantly let everyone know how intelligent and important you are with just a few more words than yelling at poor people as you splash them with puddles while you speed by in your BMW.

Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity

This commercial reminded me of a story. In 2006 I was thrilled to be asked to be a groomsman for the wedding of two of my favorite people, Matt and Candice. This particular story takes place during the weekend of the bachelor party. The plan was to meet in Sioux Falls, SD. That was where we needed to pick up the tuxedos and where the bachelor party was being held. To be completely honest, I can't even remember what we did on Friday night when I got in to town. It may have involved playing Magic: The Gathering and having a few beers (feel free to continue reading when you're finished laughing).

After hitting the tux place Saturday morning we were off to play paintball. In order to be prepared for paintballing we were all dressed in jeans and long-sleeve shirts. The textiles covering your body provide a small degree of protection from the projectiles being shot at you. It bears mentioning that is was a hot and humid day in early August. I think that sweat was dripping off of everyone by the time we got to the paintball location. The next bit of fun was that you need to wear a helmet to protect your head and eyes from being destroyed by the paintballs. So there were 10 or so people that looked like they were dressed for a snowball fight wearing helmets that only served to stifle the portion of the body that attempts to lose the most heat. I had never played paintball and didn't know what to expect, but it was quite a bit more running and dodging than I had predicted. I was hot, but so occupied with paintball that it really didn't register as being that bad until we took breaks. During the breaks was when I noticed that I was sweating through the layers of clothes I was wearing and that my head was drenched in sweat. Unfortunately, it was not a windy day and the sweat was not aiding my body in cooling down much. Paintball was a ton of fun. I took a few ehad shots, gave a few head shots and perhaps shot my friend Allan with some friendly-fire.

After paintball was over we were all pretty exhausted and none of us felt very well. It was a feeling of lightheaded dizziness mixed with mild nausea. After sweating outside in the triple digit heat we pretty much went immediately to the freezer-like confines of the local cineplex to view Clerks 2. Going into a cool place after being over heated sounds great but in practice the quick temperture change almost makes you feel worse. Despite not feeling great we all enjoying the movie (which is still in my personal top 10). After the flick we went back and hung out at the hotel busting each other chops while having a few more beers.

The next morning we felt better and had regained out appetite so we hit IHOP for breakfast. I am not a big breakfast eater. Eating breakfast upsets my stomach for some reason. I am allergic to eggs and I really don't even like most conventional breakfast food so finding a menu option that I'll eat for breakfast isn't always easy. All of the other guys around me were ordering giant lumberjack breakfasts with eggs, sausage, steak or ham. I was set to order last and the only thing appealing to me was a breakfast heavy on fruit. It carried the unfortunate title "Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity." I tried to ask the waitress for the fruit breakfast but she wasn't understanding me so I had to speak up and say, "I'd like the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity." Needless to say everyone at the table busted my balls about that choice for the entire breakfast and they continue to do so to this day.

Podcast Heaven

I have been walking quite a bit this summer. This is primarily due to the frequency that I was receiving parking tickets. Walking 3-4 miles every day has provided me with more time that I can fill with various podcasts. I am going to list a few of my favorites and try to give some background as well as some of the reasons that I enjoy these podcasts. Feel free to leave me some suggestions for others to check out in the comments.

Honorable Mention: The BS Report - A podcast by ESPN.com writer Bill Simmons, Jay and Silent Bob Get Old - I'm only a few episodes in, but so far I have really enjoyed Kevin Smith and Jay Mewes discussing growing up, Highlands, A Peephole's History - Kevin Smith and friends discuss growing up in a small town in NJ.

5. The Ken P. D. Snydecast

The Ken P. D. Snydecast is a podcast done by Ken Plume and Dana Snyder. Dana is the voice of one of my favorite animated characters, Master Shake, from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. My favorite part of this podcast is the constant bickering between Ken and Dana. They argue in a very entertaining way. This is kind of a strange podcast for me because I'm usually not real interested in many of the topics they talk about. Unfortunately, this podcast has been on a summer hiatus which will hopefully be ending soon.

4. Deadcast

Deadcast is a podcast hosted by Drew Magary of Deadspin fame. The audio quality isn't to the same standards as the rest of these entries, but that is more than made up with the content. The podcast is not released on any kind of regular schedule, but there are usually new episodes before major sporting events like the Superbowl or March Madness. One of my favorite features is the Hater's Guide which basically gives you a reason to hate any particular team in any sport from how they play the game to the color of their jerseys.

3. The Adam Carolla Show

I just recently started listening to the Adam Carolla Podcast. I found it on a list of good podcasts that included SModcast. I was only vaguely familiar with Adam Carolla before I started listening. I knew that he had been on the Man Show and Crank Yankers. I was even aware of the movie he made called "The Hammer." Apparently his podcast follows a similar format as the radio show he was fired from. I had never heard the radio show and I am not even sure any stations in my market carried the show. The Adam Carolla Show is rapidly becoming one of my favorite podcasts. The general format is that Adam will talk/rant for a period of time to open the show. Then Teresa Strasser reads interesting or odd news items. Generally, Adam and Bald Brian (sounds) will jump in with jokes, anecdotes or opinions only tangentially related to the original story. After the news a guest usually stops in and has a short interview or chat with Adam. There are a variety of recurring games or bits. One of my favorites is tivo trivia. In tivo trivia someone reads the tivo synopsis of a movie without naming the stars and the first person to guess the movie wins. They usually will get back into the news with the guest before wrapping things up. I like this podcast because Adam's sense of humor really clicks with me. He can have a real deadpan dry delivery that I really enjoy. He also doesn't hold back his true feelings or emotions on things. If something pisses him off he will let you know. He doesn't seem to censor himself which can also get him in to trouble. I can relate to many of Adam's tenancies and opinions and have a good time listening.

2. SModcast

SModcast is a podcast featuring Kevin Smith (director of Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy...) and producer Scott Mosier. I am a big fan of Kevin Smith and his particular brand of humor. However, I was only vaguely familiar with Scott Mosier before I started listening to SModcast. I have found that Scott can definitely hang with Kevin and he is equally entertaining. The topics on SModcast range from somewhat ridiculous role-playing chats to touching on current events and strange news stories. Regardless of the topic, it wouldn't be SMod if the conversation didn't come around and touch on Hitler or blowjobs. If you're interested I would suggest episode 15, The Pretty Good Worker, in which Kev and Scott give the entertaining but completely inaccurate story of Helen Keller. Episode 52, (c)Rapture, which might be the most entertaining idea for a movie I have ever heard.

1. Tell 'Em Steve Dave

Tell 'Em Steve Dave is a podcast that regularly features Bryan Johnson, Walt Flanagan and Brian Quinn. Bryan Johnson and Walt Flanagan go way back with Kevin Smith. The name of the podcast comes from Walt's prominent line of dialog that first appeared in the movie Mallrats. This podcast is very funny. These guys are extremely funny and they are very quick witted. Quinn felt out of place in the first few podcasts, but now he feels like an indispensable part of the team. A good portion of this podcast is arguing, bickering and in-fighting. Even though there are a fair amount of heated arguments you can genuinely tell that these guys are friends and that the arguments are just part of the way they interact. A major reason that I enjoy this podcast is that I can relate to all of the regulars. Walt can be paranoid and he isn't very big on bullshit. One of his pet peeves is people bragging about things that aren't big accomplishments (i.e. being drunk). I can also relate to Bryan Johnson at times. He can sometimes get in trouble by not censoring himself and by getting a little carried away when he is sure he is right about something. There are also moments where he is insecure and unsure of himself that I can relate to. Brian Quinn became friends with these guys later on in life after he was a fan. He can appear as a bit of an outsider that hit the jackpot and gets to hang out with a group of people he was a fan of before he met them. If you're interested in this podcast I would recommend starting off by trying episode 2 in which Bryan Johnson is basically getting counseling and advice from Walt. Another excellent starting point for this podcast would be episode 12 in which the guys act as investigatory journalists getting to the bottom of the many mysteries of the flea market.

10 years

A few days ago I attended my 10 year reunion. It wasn't exactly what I expected. Then again my expectations are built on knowledge I have acquired by watching reunions depicted by hundreds of movies and TV shows rather than asking or talking to a flesh and blood human being who has attended one. There was not nearly as much lying to impress people or giant revelations and secrets revealed as I thought there would be. I think that the thing that really struck me was how similar the reunion was to some of the parties that happened more than 10 years ago.

Some things had changed. There were several people there who had exceeded my expectations. Several individuals that I predicted would be in prison or dead 10 years ago appeared to be doing very well. In many of those cases I am glad that I was wrong.

However, many things were exactly the way they were a decade ago. For the most part I talked to the same people I would have in high school. I bumped into a variety of people and traded information with them, but I spent the majority of my time trading stories and joking around with the same 5-6 people as I always have. Another thing I noticed is that the crew of people I was hanging out with was constantly laughing and appeared to be having the best time. While other groups of people were chatting quietly we were playing games and gambling on the outcome on the putting green while laughing until our stomachs hurt.

Overall, the reunion was much less spectacular than TV or movies would lead you to believe. However, I did have a great time. It gets increasingly difficult to get all of your old friends together in the same place at the same time as we all get older and this was a fantastic opportunity for that to happen and I am glad that I capitalized on it. The only downer was missing a couple of people that it would have been fantastic to see. With any luck I'll see them at the next reunion.

Avatarded

Avatar will probably end up being the highest grossing movie of all-time before things are said and done. I didn't run out and see it right away because it didn't look all that interesting to me. However, through word of mouth I was encouraged to go see it. I was a little bit amazed by how much money it was making and how adamant people were that I go see it so I thought I'd give it a try. I saw it last weekend in 3D to get the full effect.

My overall impressions of the movie were that it was worth seeing in 3D. The effects and visuals were pretty amazing. Complimenting the visual effects is about the only positive thing I have to say about it. If I had seen the flick in 2D I would have been annoyed at best. First off, the movie was 2 hours and 40 minutes long. By my estimation it could have lost about 45 minutes and the movie and effects would have had the same impact on me. At several points in time there were extended shots that felt like they were included only to showcase the effects. Many of these shots did absolutely nothing to advance the story. Many of them could have been cut down substantially and the effects would still have been showcased in sequences that actually did advance the story.

My next gripe was that the story was neither interesting nor original. Many people have already stated the plot's similarity to Pocahontas and Dances with Wolves. Both of these comparisons are unfortunately fairly accurate. The writing and dialog felt forced and immature or childish. The motivation for the antagonist seemed to be nothing more than the fact that he was a complete psychopath. At one point the bad guys had basically accomplished their mission and they decided to press on and attempt to annihilate the good guys for no apparent reason. This might not seem like a big deal, but it really took me out of the movie.

Special and visual effects are great, and in the case of Avatar they are about the only reason to pay for a ticket, however in my opinion these things should simply add to a movie rather than be the reason for it's existence. Perhaps I am too fussy, but I do not think that good effects equal a good movie. I would prefer that Hollywood would start with a good movie/script/idea and polish it up with some effects. Avatar was worth watching in 3D for the effects, but there is no way that it deserves to win any awards other than those for effects or sound. It should not compete in any best picture category because simply put, it had a nice picture, but it wasn't a best picture.

Top 10 Flicks of the 00s

Here are my favorite flicks of the decade.

Honorable mention: The Wrestler, Gran Torino, Kill Bill, Brokeback Mountain, Apocalypto, Zack and Miri Make a Porno.


10. Perfume: The Story of a Murderer
When I read the book 10 years ago I felt like it wouldn't translate to the screen. It was amazing to see one of my favorite books brought to life on the big screen in a way that was true to the story and tone of the original work. It isn't exactly an uplifting movie, but life isn't always uplifting either.





9. Memento
Memento is one of those movies that you need to watch multiple times in order to really grasp and understand it. The movie deals with a man who cannot form new memories. The director (Nolan) did an amazing job of putting the viewer in a similar situation as the main character.





8. V for Vandetta
Although the big screen adaptation of the graphic novel stripped away some of the anarchist tones, it is still a great watch. Hugo Weaving did an amazing job of conveying feelings and emotions even though he was wearing a mask throughout the entire movie. Watching this movie always makes me feel like the people do have the ultimate power in any society, whether or not they wield that power is another topic altogether.



7. The Orphanage
This fulfills my desire to include both a horror movie and a foreign movie. I thought the Orphanage was outstanding because it was a horror movie throwback where tension was high through the whole movie and the tension was not due to graphic blood and guts.





6. No Country for Old Men
Being from Minnesota I have to include a movie from the Coens. No Country was my favorite movie from the Coens. I think what I remember best about this movie was how little dialog it included. The characters didn't talk often, but when they spoke every word counted.





5. Dark Knight
What can I say that hasn't already been said? I was so excited for this movie more than a year before it released. As soon as I heard that Heath Ledger died I jumped around the internet to see if he had finished filming all of his scenes and if Dark Knight was still on schedule. Even with all the anticipation and expectations the final product did not disappoint.




4. Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
Hellboy was outstanding, but the sequel knocked it out of the park. The undertones about belonging and priorities make this movie shine. Movies like this are why I go to the theater. It has adventure, comedy, romance, action and sci-fi. The world Del Toro created was amazing and I hope he gets around to doing Hellboy 3 in the near future.




3. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
I wasn't a huge fan of Episode I. I thought Episode II was pretty good, but Episode III was the payout everyone had been hoping for since Lucas announced he was doing the prequels. I like dark movies and this movie is dark. It makes Darth Vader into a character that you don't hate but that you pity. It makes you think about how a few bad choices and situations can turn the most well meaning person into a monster.



2. Clerks II
This has to be the movie from this decade that I have watched the most times. Jeff Anderson delivers as Randal in a major way. If the conversation between Dante and Randal in the jail cell doesn't touch you in some way you are made of stone. Plus it has a donkey show.





1. Donnie Darko
My favorite movie of the decade and possibly all-time. You have to watch this movie multiple times to pick up on everything. There are still things that I am not sure how to interpret. This is another movie that has it all; action, romance, time-travel and comedy. You can draw any number of conclusions from this movie and no two people are going to interpret it in the same way. The outstanding thing about this movie is that everyone's interpretation is right.