Many of you might recognize this scene as being typical of an experience at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Up until a few years ago I had always had pleasant experiences dealing with the fine people at the DMV. Most of those encounters took place in small towns where the DMV is one small room in the court house. There are rarely lines and the employees actually seem like human beings at these quaint operations. I had always heard jokes in popular culture that referred to the experience of the DMV and I didn't really understand where the material was coming from. I stand before you now as a changed man. Unfortunately, now I can relate to the plight suffered by countless other victims of the DMV.These unpleasant DMV experiences began right when I moved to Milwaukee. Today I had to renew my driver's license. It really shouldn't be a difficult task. I had gone through the renewal procedure when I lived in MN and I knew just what to do when the renewal form came in the mail. I had moved in the last calendar year so the first concern was making sure that the DMV had the correct address on file, and by golly they actually did. This was good news. Things were sure going well, if only I knew the turmoil I was about to face.
I woke up bright-eyed and ready to get to the DMV right when they open the door. You see, I have dealt with the DMV before and I knew that getting there early was the key to getting through the entire production quickly. When I drove up to the building I saw that there was construction in the parking lot. Luckily there was a secondary lot, but it wasn't paved. It was a rainy morning and I noticed that as I pulled into the gravel lot that the drainage in the area was very poor and the entire parking area was covered in at least an inch of water. Naturally there were several lower areas that had even deeper puddles. Before I opened the door and braved the elements I put my hood up while I thought about how wonderful the next hour or so of my life would be.
As I walked up to the front door I realized that a handful of other citizens had arrived even earlier than I did. I was the eighth person in line 10 minutes before the doors would even open. I was already off to a bad start. When the doors at the DMV opened they announced that they were currently doing maintenance on the number system that they use. Typically you get a number of a slip of paper and you sit and wait for you number to be called. Today we were all supposed to stand in line and wait. It was at about this time that I noticed that the employees of the DMV have to be the same population of people who set up tables at flea markets. They are the bungled and the botched individuals of our society. They move at about as fast as horse piss runs uphill. Only three of the eight help stations were being manned. I can only imagine that the other five employees were scouring dumpsters in upscale neighborhoods for secondhand goods to pettle on their sad weekend excursions before the garbage men took all of those treasures to the landfill. The other thing that I observed is that two of the three employees were actually typing by using one finger. Most of the time after they hit a key they had to back up and begin a visual search to find the next letter like they had never seen a keyboard before.
I ended up standing in that line for approximately an hour. As the last citizen in line in front of me was called to a window I knew that my patience had paid off. I was the next person in line. Very soon I would hand over my completed paperwork and get my shiny new driver's license, but sometimes good things aren't meant to be. Now a man announced that the number calling system was back in working order and that everyone in line should get a number so they could have a seat and wait to be called. This would have been welcomed news to my painful feet if the number line hadn't started where the end of the standing line ended. Effectively everyone turned around to recieve numbers, completely reversing the order of the line. I had been first in line and with a simple 180 degree turn I was now last in line.
Again I waited. The only benefit of having a number was that I was able to sit down and wait for another hour before my number was called. I wasn't even excited when my number was called. I half expected a bird to swoop down and swipe my number before I could check in at the window. Thankfully, I made it to a window and provided the visibly physically handicapped, and what I can only assume mentally handicapped DMV employee with my filled out paperwork. After several minutes of him inspecting a document that contained my signature and four checked boxes he asked me for the $34 fee. I whipped out my check card and proudly ready to over pay for such astounding service. He shook his head and said cash or personal checks were the only accepted forms of payment. He directed me to a nearby ATM and actually waited for me to return. On a side note, the DMV ATM fees were $2.50 and if you think for a second that the bank that runs that ATM doesn't have some kind of deal worked out with the DMV you are crazy. Who the fuck accepts personal checks? I could write an IOU on a piece of scratch paper and the chances of you getting money from the bank are probably just as good as they are with a personal check.
The next step of the process was the vision test. I put my head in the viewing area and the DMV employee asked me to read a series of letters that I can only presume should have been visible. I said that I didn't see anything. Eventually I convinced him to look in the viewer and he said that it must be broken and just asked me if I could see "ok." I replied yes and he just checked the vision test off on the form. Remember that the next time you hear about some 97 year-old woman who moves down a lemonade stand and six toddlers along with it on the evening news. I bet she also told the DMV that she could see fine.
After all of that nonsense I just needed to take a picture. Have you ever noticed that very few people look good in their driver's license picture? I honestly believe it is because of all the shit you need to put up with at the DMV. By the time you get to the end you are so frustrated, annoyed and angry that it is difficult to look anything but pissed off in that picture. Right when the flash hit my retinas I knew that my driver's license picture for the next few years was going to be a terrible one and when the card finally printed off and they handed it to me I was not disappointed. I could not look more annoyed in a picture. If I ever commit a crime or go missing I have no doubt that my DL picture will be the one shown on the news and circulated. So, if that happens just remember, I wasn't always that unpleasant looking. In fact most of the time I appear fairly content.
