Empty (draft 1)

Empty

“The group has discussed it and we think you should go for supplies,” Jack said. Jack was a short man whose hair was perpetually disheveled. The rest of the group had appointed him as their spokesman.

“I’m not sure it’s the best time to make a supply run,” I said without a hint of emotion. “The last few weeks have been pretty dicey. I think we should try to wait it out.”

“We think the need for supplies outweighs the risk.”

“I’m guessing I don’t have much say in the matter. I’ll get my shit together and do it, but I want everyone to know that I think this is a horrible idea.” With that I headed to my corner of the barn and started sifting through my remaining possessions noting anything that might prove useful on my supply run. This was mostly an absent minded activity because I knew what I had and what I would take.

It was hard to believe that it had only been a few months since life had been good. I was living with my fiancé Elle in a nice but not extravagant apartment in a small town in central Minnesota. I had a management position for a company that manufactured components for medical equipment. The job paid a decent wage and I enjoyed it for the most part. In addition to my fiancé, I had a nice group of friends. Most of them were either married or in a committed relationships, but the group would occasionally go out for drinks or to a dinner party.

All of that changed on a rare rainy day in August. To this day I’m not sure what exactly happened. I’ve heard a variety of wild theories, but none of them have ever been substantiated. All I know for sure is that in the early evening we were plunged back into the dark ages. All at once telecommunications and electricity went down. Panic immediately set in. The police attempted to maintain order, but after a few days without any improvement or communication from higher levels of government even they gave up. Since then we have been living a lawless existence. Most people were civil at first. People shared supplies and food. However, as weeks wore on and supplies and food dwindled, the seeds of communal animosity were planted.

Things got significantly worse after water became hard to come by. People began to organize into various gang-like factions in an effort to protect themselves. All of these groups go by different monikers, but they are generally referred to as marauders. In my experience the marauders are brutal and only interested in self-preservation. As the marauder movement was gaining momentum, Elle and I, along with a small group of friends, decided that it would be safer to get out of town.

My parents owned a farm about 30 miles away. The farm had two wells and a variety of sources of food, so we decided to go there. I hadn’t been able to communicate with my parents since communications had gone down, but I assumed things would be fine in the rural area where the farm was located. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

A group of ten of us, five couples, set out for my parents’ farm. We arrived while a band of marauders were there. We piled out of cars and I approached the house. The leader of the marauders met me at the front door. I was greeted by the butt end of a shotgun. I was knocked unconscious. I never asked Elle or anyone else for the details of what transpired while I was out. I woke up to the smell of burning plastic. I was in the barn. My parents’ house had been reduced to cinder. The marauders had either killed my parents and brother before burning the house or they had died in the fire. I’m not sure which version of that story is more comforting. The marauders had taken everything that they wanted including all of the canned goods and several containers of water before they moved on. The rest of my group had made a deal with them that they would have access to the water and a small offering of food that they would pick up once a week in exchange for the lives of everyone else.

In the following weeks we kept our end of the bargain. The marauders came once a week to collect water and whatever food and supplies we offered to them in exchange for not being slaughtered. Two weeks after we arrived on the farm Elle started to lose it. She couldn’t adjust to our new reality. To overly summarize, she went insane. She became a threat to everyone’s safety. I tried everything I could to bring her back to reality, but I failed. The group collective determined that she was a threat to our understanding with the marauders. She had attempted to sabotage the offering the previous week. The group collective decided that she should be left as part of the next weeks’ offering in order to preserve the “treaty” with the marauders. I argued and argued to the point that I was subdued and tied up for two day before the offering. I begged and pleaded unsuccessfully and the group locked Elle out of the barn the day of the offering. I never saw her again. This alone is enough to break my spirit, but she was gone long before the marauders did whatever they did with her.

I had given this group of people everything: water, a supply of food, my parents and brother, my fiancé and essentially myself. Yet that wasn’t enough. In the following weeks I was excluded from any of the group meetings. Everyone else in the group had coupled up. Even the previously single people had found a partner for this new world. I was on the outside looking in. My former friends had abandoned me for new alliances in this new type of existence.

I went on the supply run despite my reservations. I drove the 10 miles to the nearest town and hit the drug store and convenience store. They were already picked over, but I was headed back to the barn with some limited food and supplies. When I arrived the barn door was locked. I pounded on the door and eventually Jack came to the door. He explained that the door was not going to be unlocked. All of the supplies that I had collected and myself were going to be the sacrifice to the marauders because there was nothing else to give them. Jack and I had a heated discussion through the barn door. I still cannot understand how I could be the choice for sacrifice. I had given these people everything I had. I had given my family, my fiancé (not by choice), a safe haven with food, water and other supplies. I asked Jack how the group had come to the decision that I would be the sacrifice to the marauders. He explained that the group knew that a member of the group would need to be offered up to the marauders in exchange for not having much else to offer them in the weekly offering. Apparently there was a discussion about who would be sacrificed. I wasn’t involved in this discussion. Whenever anyone else’s name came up their significant other vouched for them and explained that sacrificing them was unacceptable. When my name came up I wasn’t offered the same courteousy by any of the other group members. That discussion had sealed my fate. Jack said that he was sorry and the group was thankful for all I had done for them, but I and the supplies I had gathered were the offering to the marauders. My “friends” sure had a funny way of expressing their appreciation for all of the personal sacrifices I had made for their survival. After hearing from Jack I simply sat down at the locked barn door and awaited my fate at the hands of the marauders. I realized that my spirit had been completely broken as I heard the marauders’ motorcade approaching…

New feature

The new feature is a look inside my writing process. I am going to post a rough draft version of a story and solicit advice about it. I may take advice, I might not. This story still has a ton of work before I am happy with it, but I am going to post updates as I work on it. Any and all feedback is welcome, unless it is just going to be a personal attack or a judgement of my character. That feedback will be promptly ignored and thrown in the grabage.

La Belle Cemetery (Oconomowoc)

La Belle Cemetery is a very picturesque graveyard located right on the banks of Lac La Belle. It is a fairly large cemetery containing many tombstones and several crypts.


The first thing that I came across in this cemetery was a large hill that was almost made up exclusively by children's graves. It was the largest children's area of a cemetery I have seen.

This statue of a mourning/resting young person felt right at home in a graveyard with an extraordinary amount of children.

There were several areas that were beautifully landscaped in order to deal with the steep hills that surround the lake.


An illustration of how close the cemetery is to the lake. There were a few locations where it was just a few short steps from a gravemarker to the water.


The folklore behind this cemetery was that the girl buried at this tombstone killed herself by simply walking into the lake and drowning. People have reported seeing the ghost of a girl walk into the lake and disappear into the water. It has also been reported that blood appears and drips from the statue's hands.

These stories seemed unlikely after investigating the grave. Both people that were buried at this location were in their 80s when they died. This rules out the young girl committing suicide and haunting her own grave.


I did not notice any fresh blood or any residue of blood on the hands of the statue.


One odd finding was the gravestone of Claus and Johanna Hagemann. Johanna was born in 1857 and died in 1921. Oddly, Claus was born in 1852 but there is no record of his death. He is either the oldest living person or he became some kind of undead vampire or zombie.

Glenbeulah Graveyard (Glenbeulah)

Glenbeulah Graveyard

The story behind this place was that a man hung himself from a tree, but jumped from too high and decapitated himself. His head then rolled down a hill into the town. His ghost is said to haunt the area.

This might be my favorite cemetery anywhere. It is very secluded and is in a wooded area that I believe borders the Kettle Moraine South State Park. It is located at a dead end road. There is no sign or gate at the entrance. Part of the charm this place was that it didn't seem to be very well maintained. I doubt that the grass gets mowed more than a couple times a year, if even that much. There was very little organization. The headstones were not in orderly rows. They were located in a variety of locations at a variety of orientations. There was a bare spot of grass in the middle of the cemetery where a church may have been located in the past.


This picture is a good representation of the feel of the entire place. It was secluded and heavily wooded.


There must be a caretaker because all of the veterans had flags from Memorial Day. There was an old retaining wall made of stones visible in this picture as well.


My favorite monument. The large headstone was flanked by numerous smaller, simpler stones.


This monument and a similar older marker were located outside the edge of the cemetery about 50 feet into the woods.

Probably my favorite picture of the day. I really like the angles of the fence.


A rock that may or may not have been scratched by a demon's outstretched claws.

Tabernacle Cemetery (Waukesha)

Tabernacle Cemetery

The story behind this place was that a boy accidentally hung himself while working in a nearby barn and he was the first person buried in this cemetery. People have reported seeing an apparition of a man near a tree. Bright flashes of light have been observed near a fence around the perimeter of the cemetery. Supposedly, light from a phantom vehicle will shine on you at night and follow your car out of the area.

This was a pretty neat cemetery. It is very small. As you approach it you pass a farm that appears to have a relatively old barn on the property which might be the barn mentioned in the story.


I think this was the tree where people have seen the ghost of a man. It had grown near an old headstone and had pushed it around.


Here was a new edition to the graveyard. I combed the area and could not find any evidence that the corpse had been coming and going from the grave.


One of my favorite monuments in the cemetery. It was old and tall.

Examining the weird

I have always been interested in the macabre. A few months ago my parents went to a talk by a gentleman who wrote a book titled, "The Wisconsin Road Guide to Haunted Locations." They bought a copy and had the author sign it. I enjoyed paging through it over the winter, but I wasn't very motivated to go check these places out due to the cold and road conditions. However, over the last few weeks the weather has improved, opening up a ton of opportunities to visit some of these places. I plan to share some of my experiences here at Under the Cellar Door.

I feel like I need to make a few things clear before I continue with my tales. First and foremost, I don't believe that ghosts, spirits or demons actually exist. I am interested in why and how other people believe in these phenomena. In a way I wish that these things did exist. The world would certainly be a more interesting place with ghosts, demons and spirits antagonizing mortals at every turn. Second, I am as respectful as is possible when I am visiting these places. You won't find me trespassing on or disrespecting the resting place of someone's lost loved ones.

Morally Bankrupt

The Catholic Church in Milwaukee filed for bankruptcy this week. The move puts the pending lawsuits against the church for sexual abuse in limbo. It also protects church higher ups from having to testify about what they knew and their response or lack thereof.

I am frustrated with this beyond expression. I would punch a baby giraffe right in the ass if there was one here now and that wouldn't even approach an accurate demonstration of my feelings. The last financial statement by the church claimed $98 million in assets with somewhere around $10 in liabilities. That statement is just a few years old. I find it hard to believe that they are truly on the verge of bankruptcy. This isn't even considering that the larger organization of the Catholic Church has basically built an El Dorado in Vatican City. Perhaps some of this vast fortune could be used to settle with the victims of molestation. They should have to pay dearly for all the pain and suffering they dumped on so many children. The cover ups and inaction on this issue within their organization is deplorable. Yet they somehow hold the moral high ground and millions of people are supposed to look to them for guidance and advice on how to live their lives. My opinion is that they are not financially bankrupt, but they are clearly morally bankrupt.

Parents

I had a hard time falling asleep last night. I got to thinking existential thoughts and ended up feeling fairly insignificant in the context of the galaxy, universe and multiverse. Instead of focusing exclusively on those thoughts I tried thinking of some positive things and I decided that I am going to post some positive things along with my usual bitching and complaining here. So, sit back and enjoy volume 1 of "Positive Distractions."

Dad
One thing that came to mind last night was about my dad. I was hanging out by the barn as a child. I have no idea how old I was at the time, but I was definitely under 10. I don't even remember where I fell, but my knee landed on an old board with a rusty nail sticking out of it. The nail went into my knee. I don't remember a ton of the details, but I clearly remember my dad carrying me up the hill to my grandparents' house as I was crying. I have no recollection of if I ended up going to the emergency room or hospital. To this day, when the light strikes my knee just right I can still see the scar.

Mom
As a teenager I saw a dermatologist in a town 45 minutes away. My mom always drove me there and back. I'll always remember the conversations we would have on those drives. I enjoyed that time and those conversations with my mom. Looking back on it, it was rather impressive that we could still have meaningful conversations even through those adolescent years when in general kids don't want to have anything to do with parents.

Why am I a magnet for weird?

I went to the grocery store this morning to pick up a few things. Upon arriving at my apartment building I was greeted by one of the other tenants. She is an elderly lady that I see from time to time. Often times she is waiting at the bus stop across the street. I have had a few encounters with her over the last two or so years. Those past encounters have typically left me feeling confused and sorry for her. On one occasion she was speaking nonsense sentences. Usually I have just tried to avoid the crazy. Up until this morning I thought she was maybe just lonely with a hint of mental instability. This morning she met me at the front door and asked if I could let her back in the building. I explained that I wasn't going to be home all day, but she could ring my buzzer and I would let her in if I was at home. She asked where I was going. This whole event caught me off guard and in a moment of panic I lied and said that I was going to the grocery store, the same store I had just returned from. Then she asked if she could have a ride to the store. Again, I was panicking and couldn't spit anything out but a meager "ok." When she got in my car she started speaking. She explained that the former mayor of Milwaukee, Norquist had barricaded himself in her apartment along with her sister. Then she babbled something about how it was because she didn't have any children and she went to church. It was pretty much total nonsense. We passed a McDonald's on the short drive and she asked if she could buy me something. I politely declined her offer. She also blurted out that this Norquist character was a "tough customer." When we got to the grocery store I dropped her at the front door. She asked if she could have a ride back and I said that I had things to do and that I was going to work. She didn't have a problem with that and exited my car without another word. The whole ordeal was very weird. She was very creepy. I would say that she is either on drugs or mentally ill.

As soon as I was out of the parking lot I called the manager of the apartment. He didn't answer so I left him a message explaining that if anyone came looking for this lady that he could tell them I brought her to the grocery store. I wasn't sure what else to do. Should I have done something else or should I just forget about it and feel good because I did a favor for an elderly lady?

Your Guide to Being Better Than Everyone Else #1.5: Use More Quotations pt. 2

The inaugural edition of Being Better Than Everyone Else appeared on an infinitely superior blog, Its Quiet Outside.

Here we'll explore a similar lesson. Using quotations marks in text and verbal "air quotes" will no doubt tell the world that you are better than them, but the lesson on using actual quotations will scream that fact right into the world's incompetent little ears. If you follow this simple lesson, you will no longer have to deal with people who only suspect that you think you are better than them.

Step 1: Memorize a vague yet important sounding quote from a literary giant, the more obscure the better.

Step 1 in action: "I claim to be a simple individual liable to err like any other fellow mortal. I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors and to retrace my steps." -Gandhi

The beauty of this quote is that it is by Gandhi and it is very versatile. If you walk around following this guide you are bound to run into a gaggle of people who will assume you are wrong, even if that is completely impossible. Running into one of these walking mental defects will present you with a perfect opportunity to use famous quotations liberally.

Step 2: Apply your vast intellect.

Step 2 in action:
Roommate- "Did you stick your dick in my peanut butter jar?"

You- "Why do you ask my good man?"

Roommate- "Well, because I can see the imprint of a dick in it and there are pubes stuck in the top. So, did you stick your dick in there or what?"

You- "As Gandhi said, 'I claim to be a simple individual liable to err like any other fellow mortal. I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors and to retrace my steps.'" Then you karate chop him in the ear.

Now you can see how useful this approach can be. Just memorize a few vague quotes by obscure authors or historical figures and watch how everyone around you will assume that you were a Rhodes scholar who spent a year at Oxford. You can instantly let everyone know how intelligent and important you are with just a few more words than yelling at poor people as you splash them with puddles while you speed by in your BMW.

Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity

This commercial reminded me of a story. In 2006 I was thrilled to be asked to be a groomsman for the wedding of two of my favorite people, Matt and Candice. This particular story takes place during the weekend of the bachelor party. The plan was to meet in Sioux Falls, SD. That was where we needed to pick up the tuxedos and where the bachelor party was being held. To be completely honest, I can't even remember what we did on Friday night when I got in to town. It may have involved playing Magic: The Gathering and having a few beers (feel free to continue reading when you're finished laughing).

After hitting the tux place Saturday morning we were off to play paintball. In order to be prepared for paintballing we were all dressed in jeans and long-sleeve shirts. The textiles covering your body provide a small degree of protection from the projectiles being shot at you. It bears mentioning that is was a hot and humid day in early August. I think that sweat was dripping off of everyone by the time we got to the paintball location. The next bit of fun was that you need to wear a helmet to protect your head and eyes from being destroyed by the paintballs. So there were 10 or so people that looked like they were dressed for a snowball fight wearing helmets that only served to stifle the portion of the body that attempts to lose the most heat. I had never played paintball and didn't know what to expect, but it was quite a bit more running and dodging than I had predicted. I was hot, but so occupied with paintball that it really didn't register as being that bad until we took breaks. During the breaks was when I noticed that I was sweating through the layers of clothes I was wearing and that my head was drenched in sweat. Unfortunately, it was not a windy day and the sweat was not aiding my body in cooling down much. Paintball was a ton of fun. I took a few ehad shots, gave a few head shots and perhaps shot my friend Allan with some friendly-fire.

After paintball was over we were all pretty exhausted and none of us felt very well. It was a feeling of lightheaded dizziness mixed with mild nausea. After sweating outside in the triple digit heat we pretty much went immediately to the freezer-like confines of the local cineplex to view Clerks 2. Going into a cool place after being over heated sounds great but in practice the quick temperture change almost makes you feel worse. Despite not feeling great we all enjoying the movie (which is still in my personal top 10). After the flick we went back and hung out at the hotel busting each other chops while having a few more beers.

The next morning we felt better and had regained out appetite so we hit IHOP for breakfast. I am not a big breakfast eater. Eating breakfast upsets my stomach for some reason. I am allergic to eggs and I really don't even like most conventional breakfast food so finding a menu option that I'll eat for breakfast isn't always easy. All of the other guys around me were ordering giant lumberjack breakfasts with eggs, sausage, steak or ham. I was set to order last and the only thing appealing to me was a breakfast heavy on fruit. It carried the unfortunate title "Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity." I tried to ask the waitress for the fruit breakfast but she wasn't understanding me so I had to speak up and say, "I'd like the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity." Needless to say everyone at the table busted my balls about that choice for the entire breakfast and they continue to do so to this day.

Podcast Heaven

I have been walking quite a bit this summer. This is primarily due to the frequency that I was receiving parking tickets. Walking 3-4 miles every day has provided me with more time that I can fill with various podcasts. I am going to list a few of my favorites and try to give some background as well as some of the reasons that I enjoy these podcasts. Feel free to leave me some suggestions for others to check out in the comments.

Honorable Mention: The BS Report - A podcast by ESPN.com writer Bill Simmons, Jay and Silent Bob Get Old - I'm only a few episodes in, but so far I have really enjoyed Kevin Smith and Jay Mewes discussing growing up, Highlands, A Peephole's History - Kevin Smith and friends discuss growing up in a small town in NJ.

5. The Ken P. D. Snydecast

The Ken P. D. Snydecast is a podcast done by Ken Plume and Dana Snyder. Dana is the voice of one of my favorite animated characters, Master Shake, from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. My favorite part of this podcast is the constant bickering between Ken and Dana. They argue in a very entertaining way. This is kind of a strange podcast for me because I'm usually not real interested in many of the topics they talk about. Unfortunately, this podcast has been on a summer hiatus which will hopefully be ending soon.

4. Deadcast

Deadcast is a podcast hosted by Drew Magary of Deadspin fame. The audio quality isn't to the same standards as the rest of these entries, but that is more than made up with the content. The podcast is not released on any kind of regular schedule, but there are usually new episodes before major sporting events like the Superbowl or March Madness. One of my favorite features is the Hater's Guide which basically gives you a reason to hate any particular team in any sport from how they play the game to the color of their jerseys.

3. The Adam Carolla Show

I just recently started listening to the Adam Carolla Podcast. I found it on a list of good podcasts that included SModcast. I was only vaguely familiar with Adam Carolla before I started listening. I knew that he had been on the Man Show and Crank Yankers. I was even aware of the movie he made called "The Hammer." Apparently his podcast follows a similar format as the radio show he was fired from. I had never heard the radio show and I am not even sure any stations in my market carried the show. The Adam Carolla Show is rapidly becoming one of my favorite podcasts. The general format is that Adam will talk/rant for a period of time to open the show. Then Teresa Strasser reads interesting or odd news items. Generally, Adam and Bald Brian (sounds) will jump in with jokes, anecdotes or opinions only tangentially related to the original story. After the news a guest usually stops in and has a short interview or chat with Adam. There are a variety of recurring games or bits. One of my favorites is tivo trivia. In tivo trivia someone reads the tivo synopsis of a movie without naming the stars and the first person to guess the movie wins. They usually will get back into the news with the guest before wrapping things up. I like this podcast because Adam's sense of humor really clicks with me. He can have a real deadpan dry delivery that I really enjoy. He also doesn't hold back his true feelings or emotions on things. If something pisses him off he will let you know. He doesn't seem to censor himself which can also get him in to trouble. I can relate to many of Adam's tenancies and opinions and have a good time listening.

2. SModcast

SModcast is a podcast featuring Kevin Smith (director of Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy...) and producer Scott Mosier. I am a big fan of Kevin Smith and his particular brand of humor. However, I was only vaguely familiar with Scott Mosier before I started listening to SModcast. I have found that Scott can definitely hang with Kevin and he is equally entertaining. The topics on SModcast range from somewhat ridiculous role-playing chats to touching on current events and strange news stories. Regardless of the topic, it wouldn't be SMod if the conversation didn't come around and touch on Hitler or blowjobs. If you're interested I would suggest episode 15, The Pretty Good Worker, in which Kev and Scott give the entertaining but completely inaccurate story of Helen Keller. Episode 52, (c)Rapture, which might be the most entertaining idea for a movie I have ever heard.

1. Tell 'Em Steve Dave

Tell 'Em Steve Dave is a podcast that regularly features Bryan Johnson, Walt Flanagan and Brian Quinn. Bryan Johnson and Walt Flanagan go way back with Kevin Smith. The name of the podcast comes from Walt's prominent line of dialog that first appeared in the movie Mallrats. This podcast is very funny. These guys are extremely funny and they are very quick witted. Quinn felt out of place in the first few podcasts, but now he feels like an indispensable part of the team. A good portion of this podcast is arguing, bickering and in-fighting. Even though there are a fair amount of heated arguments you can genuinely tell that these guys are friends and that the arguments are just part of the way they interact. A major reason that I enjoy this podcast is that I can relate to all of the regulars. Walt can be paranoid and he isn't very big on bullshit. One of his pet peeves is people bragging about things that aren't big accomplishments (i.e. being drunk). I can also relate to Bryan Johnson at times. He can sometimes get in trouble by not censoring himself and by getting a little carried away when he is sure he is right about something. There are also moments where he is insecure and unsure of himself that I can relate to. Brian Quinn became friends with these guys later on in life after he was a fan. He can appear as a bit of an outsider that hit the jackpot and gets to hang out with a group of people he was a fan of before he met them. If you're interested in this podcast I would recommend starting off by trying episode 2 in which Bryan Johnson is basically getting counseling and advice from Walt. Another excellent starting point for this podcast would be episode 12 in which the guys act as investigatory journalists getting to the bottom of the many mysteries of the flea market.

10 years

A few days ago I attended my 10 year reunion. It wasn't exactly what I expected. Then again my expectations are built on knowledge I have acquired by watching reunions depicted by hundreds of movies and TV shows rather than asking or talking to a flesh and blood human being who has attended one. There was not nearly as much lying to impress people or giant revelations and secrets revealed as I thought there would be. I think that the thing that really struck me was how similar the reunion was to some of the parties that happened more than 10 years ago.

Some things had changed. There were several people there who had exceeded my expectations. Several individuals that I predicted would be in prison or dead 10 years ago appeared to be doing very well. In many of those cases I am glad that I was wrong.

However, many things were exactly the way they were a decade ago. For the most part I talked to the same people I would have in high school. I bumped into a variety of people and traded information with them, but I spent the majority of my time trading stories and joking around with the same 5-6 people as I always have. Another thing I noticed is that the crew of people I was hanging out with was constantly laughing and appeared to be having the best time. While other groups of people were chatting quietly we were playing games and gambling on the outcome on the putting green while laughing until our stomachs hurt.

Overall, the reunion was much less spectacular than TV or movies would lead you to believe. However, I did have a great time. It gets increasingly difficult to get all of your old friends together in the same place at the same time as we all get older and this was a fantastic opportunity for that to happen and I am glad that I capitalized on it. The only downer was missing a couple of people that it would have been fantastic to see. With any luck I'll see them at the next reunion.

Avatarded

Avatar will probably end up being the highest grossing movie of all-time before things are said and done. I didn't run out and see it right away because it didn't look all that interesting to me. However, through word of mouth I was encouraged to go see it. I was a little bit amazed by how much money it was making and how adamant people were that I go see it so I thought I'd give it a try. I saw it last weekend in 3D to get the full effect.

My overall impressions of the movie were that it was worth seeing in 3D. The effects and visuals were pretty amazing. Complimenting the visual effects is about the only positive thing I have to say about it. If I had seen the flick in 2D I would have been annoyed at best. First off, the movie was 2 hours and 40 minutes long. By my estimation it could have lost about 45 minutes and the movie and effects would have had the same impact on me. At several points in time there were extended shots that felt like they were included only to showcase the effects. Many of these shots did absolutely nothing to advance the story. Many of them could have been cut down substantially and the effects would still have been showcased in sequences that actually did advance the story.

My next gripe was that the story was neither interesting nor original. Many people have already stated the plot's similarity to Pocahontas and Dances with Wolves. Both of these comparisons are unfortunately fairly accurate. The writing and dialog felt forced and immature or childish. The motivation for the antagonist seemed to be nothing more than the fact that he was a complete psychopath. At one point the bad guys had basically accomplished their mission and they decided to press on and attempt to annihilate the good guys for no apparent reason. This might not seem like a big deal, but it really took me out of the movie.

Special and visual effects are great, and in the case of Avatar they are about the only reason to pay for a ticket, however in my opinion these things should simply add to a movie rather than be the reason for it's existence. Perhaps I am too fussy, but I do not think that good effects equal a good movie. I would prefer that Hollywood would start with a good movie/script/idea and polish it up with some effects. Avatar was worth watching in 3D for the effects, but there is no way that it deserves to win any awards other than those for effects or sound. It should not compete in any best picture category because simply put, it had a nice picture, but it wasn't a best picture.

Top 10 Flicks of the 00s

Here are my favorite flicks of the decade.

Honorable mention: The Wrestler, Gran Torino, Kill Bill, Brokeback Mountain, Apocalypto, Zack and Miri Make a Porno.


10. Perfume: The Story of a Murderer
When I read the book 10 years ago I felt like it wouldn't translate to the screen. It was amazing to see one of my favorite books brought to life on the big screen in a way that was true to the story and tone of the original work. It isn't exactly an uplifting movie, but life isn't always uplifting either.





9. Memento
Memento is one of those movies that you need to watch multiple times in order to really grasp and understand it. The movie deals with a man who cannot form new memories. The director (Nolan) did an amazing job of putting the viewer in a similar situation as the main character.





8. V for Vandetta
Although the big screen adaptation of the graphic novel stripped away some of the anarchist tones, it is still a great watch. Hugo Weaving did an amazing job of conveying feelings and emotions even though he was wearing a mask throughout the entire movie. Watching this movie always makes me feel like the people do have the ultimate power in any society, whether or not they wield that power is another topic altogether.



7. The Orphanage
This fulfills my desire to include both a horror movie and a foreign movie. I thought the Orphanage was outstanding because it was a horror movie throwback where tension was high through the whole movie and the tension was not due to graphic blood and guts.





6. No Country for Old Men
Being from Minnesota I have to include a movie from the Coens. No Country was my favorite movie from the Coens. I think what I remember best about this movie was how little dialog it included. The characters didn't talk often, but when they spoke every word counted.





5. Dark Knight
What can I say that hasn't already been said? I was so excited for this movie more than a year before it released. As soon as I heard that Heath Ledger died I jumped around the internet to see if he had finished filming all of his scenes and if Dark Knight was still on schedule. Even with all the anticipation and expectations the final product did not disappoint.




4. Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
Hellboy was outstanding, but the sequel knocked it out of the park. The undertones about belonging and priorities make this movie shine. Movies like this are why I go to the theater. It has adventure, comedy, romance, action and sci-fi. The world Del Toro created was amazing and I hope he gets around to doing Hellboy 3 in the near future.




3. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
I wasn't a huge fan of Episode I. I thought Episode II was pretty good, but Episode III was the payout everyone had been hoping for since Lucas announced he was doing the prequels. I like dark movies and this movie is dark. It makes Darth Vader into a character that you don't hate but that you pity. It makes you think about how a few bad choices and situations can turn the most well meaning person into a monster.



2. Clerks II
This has to be the movie from this decade that I have watched the most times. Jeff Anderson delivers as Randal in a major way. If the conversation between Dante and Randal in the jail cell doesn't touch you in some way you are made of stone. Plus it has a donkey show.





1. Donnie Darko
My favorite movie of the decade and possibly all-time. You have to watch this movie multiple times to pick up on everything. There are still things that I am not sure how to interpret. This is another movie that has it all; action, romance, time-travel and comedy. You can draw any number of conclusions from this movie and no two people are going to interpret it in the same way. The outstanding thing about this movie is that everyone's interpretation is right.

Way of the Master?

Today I was excited to discover that there were representatives on campus giving away copies of Darwin's Origin of Species. The version that was being given away was a version that included an introduction from Ray Comfort. He is a creationist and in the introduction discusses everything that is wrong with Origin of Species which amounts to basically everything in his opinion. Recently, Ray Comfort had gained some notoriety with his origin of bananas video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfucpGCm5hY. Former child star turned Bible beater, Kirk Cameron, recently discussed the plan for distributing these books http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oM0oBuhTLRI. The representatives that were giving the books away were not Kirk Cameron, which is a good thing because I would probably be in custody after being charged with assault. I was part of a small mob that took on these representatives trying to discuss the issue (check out my views on evolution a few posts down). However, the book representatives became relatively defensive and hostile in the face of opponents that would challenge some of the ridiculous claims that they were making. At the end of the day I had fun arguing, however fruitlessly, with the representatives and only wish that I would have had an opportunity to punch Kirk Cameron right in his holier than thou face.

Moral Dilemmas

I recently went to the movie "The Box." The box was written and directed by Richard Kelly. He had previously written and directed Donnie Darko and Southland Tales. I thoroughly enjoy the way he tells a story and was more than excited to see that he was going to make a movie based on a short story that had also been adapted into an episode of the 1980s run of the Twilight Zone. In the story a young married couple is presented with a box that has a button. If they push the button they receive a million dollars. The catch is that pushing the button also causes a person that they do not know to die. The short story and Twilight Zone episode focus on the process of making the decision. In both cases greed wins out and one member of the cuple pushes the button. They end up getting the money, but when the box is picked up by the mysterious entity that left it in the first place he announces that it will be reprogrammed and given to another couple, a couple that will not know original couple. That is where the short story and Twilight Zone episode end. Kelly's take on the story is a little bit different, but I am not going to spoil it for anyone that plans to see it and hasn't yet. My overall impressions were that I really enjoyed the movie. If you haven't seen a Richard Kelly movie you should be aware that while in the case of the Box there is resolution in the main storyline, but there are many issues that are unresolved when the credits roll. I like this about his movies. I'll need to see it a few more times in order for some of the side plots to make sense to me.

An immediate topic for conversation following the movie is the question of whether or not you would push the button. I have always found talking about these dilemmas to be a wonderful way to pass time with friends. I am reminded of several instances of discussing whether or not you would sacrafice your own life to save the life of a stranger and all the factors that go into how you would ultimately make that decision. I think that these moral dilemmas can also be a good judge of character. For example, if I ask someone if they would sacrafice their own life for the life of a stranger and they immediately reply yes without thinking about it or asking any follow-up questions, I know that the person is only interested in how they will appear in the social situation. I don't think anyone should be able to answer that question without thinking about it and asking questions. Someone who answers immediately either wants to appear to be altruistic or is a narcissist. If you want to have some fun sometime ask me what I would do in one of these situations.

Gutter Gourmet

Welcome to the first edition of "Gutter Gourmet" where I will be reviewing various foods that provide a great deal of convenience. Some of these foods will manage to be convenient while maintaining some semblance of flavor while others will not fare so well.

Last weekend I saw that Target had a special on Hot Pockets. A box of two Hot Pockets was on sale for $2. I saw the sale and thought to myself, "Well, that is a mighty good deal. A full lunch for $2. Plus I can just throw them in the microwave at work so they are also quite convenient." I purchased a variety of flavors so that I wouldn't get sick of eating the same thing all week. One of the flavors I chose was Hot Pockets Four Cheese Pizza. After I threw those bad boys in the microwave I began to read the packaging while I waited for them to cook. I noticed in the ingredients panel that these Hot Pockets actually contained three varieties of cheese along with what was labeled as artificial mozzarella cheese. Strangely, when I ate the Hot Pockets the artificial mozzarella was my favorite part of the whole experience. This particular flavor of Hot Pocket was quite bland. I felt like it could have used some artificial sausage or pepperoni. My guess would be that the good people at Hot Pockets probably thought that if you are actually eating these things you probably don't possess a real sophisticated palette and if they mixed some meat in with the already complicated flavor of four different varieties of cheese that it would just frighten and confuse the consumer and the next time they were shopping they would just grab a Slim Jim and Hershey bar which would provide the same amount of nutrients without all the chaos of too many flavors at once. All in all the Hot Pockets Four Cheese Pizza was edible, but not my favorite style of Hot Pocket, which isn't really saying much.

Why so angry?

Many of you might recognize this scene as being typical of an experience at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Up until a few years ago I had always had pleasant experiences dealing with the fine people at the DMV. Most of those encounters took place in small towns where the DMV is one small room in the court house. There are rarely lines and the employees actually seem like human beings at these quaint operations. I had always heard jokes in popular culture that referred to the experience of the DMV and I didn't really understand where the material was coming from. I stand before you now as a changed man. Unfortunately, now I can relate to the plight suffered by countless other victims of the DMV.

These unpleasant DMV experiences began right when I moved to Milwaukee. Today I had to renew my driver's license. It really shouldn't be a difficult task. I had gone through the renewal procedure when I lived in MN and I knew just what to do when the renewal form came in the mail. I had moved in the last calendar year so the first concern was making sure that the DMV had the correct address on file, and by golly they actually did. This was good news. Things were sure going well, if only I knew the turmoil I was about to face.

I woke up bright-eyed and ready to get to the DMV right when they open the door. You see, I have dealt with the DMV before and I knew that getting there early was the key to getting through the entire production quickly. When I drove up to the building I saw that there was construction in the parking lot. Luckily there was a secondary lot, but it wasn't paved. It was a rainy morning and I noticed that as I pulled into the gravel lot that the drainage in the area was very poor and the entire parking area was covered in at least an inch of water. Naturally there were several lower areas that had even deeper puddles. Before I opened the door and braved the elements I put my hood up while I thought about how wonderful the next hour or so of my life would be.

As I walked up to the front door I realized that a handful of other citizens had arrived even earlier than I did. I was the eighth person in line 10 minutes before the doors would even open. I was already off to a bad start. When the doors at the DMV opened they announced that they were currently doing maintenance on the number system that they use. Typically you get a number of a slip of paper and you sit and wait for you number to be called. Today we were all supposed to stand in line and wait. It was at about this time that I noticed that the employees of the DMV have to be the same population of people who set up tables at flea markets. They are the bungled and the botched individuals of our society. They move at about as fast as horse piss runs uphill. Only three of the eight help stations were being manned. I can only imagine that the other five employees were scouring dumpsters in upscale neighborhoods for secondhand goods to pettle on their sad weekend excursions before the garbage men took all of those treasures to the landfill. The other thing that I observed is that two of the three employees were actually typing by using one finger. Most of the time after they hit a key they had to back up and begin a visual search to find the next letter like they had never seen a keyboard before.

I ended up standing in that line for approximately an hour. As the last citizen in line in front of me was called to a window I knew that my patience had paid off. I was the next person in line. Very soon I would hand over my completed paperwork and get my shiny new driver's license, but sometimes good things aren't meant to be. Now a man announced that the number calling system was back in working order and that everyone in line should get a number so they could have a seat and wait to be called. This would have been welcomed news to my painful feet if the number line hadn't started where the end of the standing line ended. Effectively everyone turned around to recieve numbers, completely reversing the order of the line. I had been first in line and with a simple 180 degree turn I was now last in line.

Again I waited. The only benefit of having a number was that I was able to sit down and wait for another hour before my number was called. I wasn't even excited when my number was called. I half expected a bird to swoop down and swipe my number before I could check in at the window. Thankfully, I made it to a window and provided the visibly physically handicapped, and what I can only assume mentally handicapped DMV employee with my filled out paperwork. After several minutes of him inspecting a document that contained my signature and four checked boxes he asked me for the $34 fee. I whipped out my check card and proudly ready to over pay for such astounding service. He shook his head and said cash or personal checks were the only accepted forms of payment. He directed me to a nearby ATM and actually waited for me to return. On a side note, the DMV ATM fees were $2.50 and if you think for a second that the bank that runs that ATM doesn't have some kind of deal worked out with the DMV you are crazy. Who the fuck accepts personal checks? I could write an IOU on a piece of scratch paper and the chances of you getting money from the bank are probably just as good as they are with a personal check.

The next step of the process was the vision test. I put my head in the viewing area and the DMV employee asked me to read a series of letters that I can only presume should have been visible. I said that I didn't see anything. Eventually I convinced him to look in the viewer and he said that it must be broken and just asked me if I could see "ok." I replied yes and he just checked the vision test off on the form. Remember that the next time you hear about some 97 year-old woman who moves down a lemonade stand and six toddlers along with it on the evening news. I bet she also told the DMV that she could see fine.

After all of that nonsense I just needed to take a picture. Have you ever noticed that very few people look good in their driver's license picture? I honestly believe it is because of all the shit you need to put up with at the DMV. By the time you get to the end you are so frustrated, annoyed and angry that it is difficult to look anything but pissed off in that picture. Right when the flash hit my retinas I knew that my driver's license picture for the next few years was going to be a terrible one and when the card finally printed off and they handed it to me I was not disappointed. I could not look more annoyed in a picture. If I ever commit a crime or go missing I have no doubt that my DL picture will be the one shown on the news and circulated. So, if that happens just remember, I wasn't always that unpleasant looking. In fact most of the time I appear fairly content.